This paper fails to derive quantum mechanics from a few simple postulates. But it gets very close --- and it does so without much exertion. More exactly, I obtain a representation of finite-dimensional probabilistic systems in terms of euclidean Jordan algebras, in a strikingly easy way, from simple assumptions. This provides a framework within which real, complex and quaternionic QM can play happily together, and allows some --- but not too much --- room for more exotic alternatives.